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  • <b>Psychic </b> <i>1. n. </i>An unscrupulous charlatan or a deluded fool who preys on the vulnerable. <i>2. adj. </i>The imaginary super power of twats.



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  • <b>Conspiracy Theory </b><i>n. </i>Paranoia, frequently anti-Semitic or anti-establishment and always misunderstood by the blinded sheeple.
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  • <b>Alien Abduction </b> <i> n. </i>Droll visitors from outer of space who get their kicks from shoving a shiny dildo up a tard's arse.
  • <b> Loch Ness Monster </b> <i> n. </i>Floating tree trunk in a lake promoted by the Scottish Tourist Board.
  • <b>Creationism </b><i>n. </i>The highest form of stupidity requiring the denial of vast swathes of converging empirical evidence born from the desire to retain a resolute and unfeasible belief in the literal meaning of a particular scripture.
  • <b>Astrology </b><i>n. </i>A set of random axioms that determine that the subjective alignment of the stars and planets from an arbitrary point in space and time can influence one twelfth of the population of the Earth to experience the same generic and non-specific events.
  • <b>Dowsing </b><i>n. </i>A doofus with a Y-shaped stick who's never heard of the ideomotor effect.
  • <b>ESP </b><i>abbrev. </i>Extrasensory Pillockory.
  • <b>Tarot </b><i>n. </i>A 15th Century card game hijacked by nutters.
  • <b>Apocalyptic Prophesies </b><i>n. </i>End of the world predictions that need to be continually renewed whenever they pass their best before date.
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  • <b>Crop Circle</b> <i>n. </i>Pretty pattern in the corn made by an idiot baiter with a plank of wood and a length of string
  • <b>Bigfoot</b> <i>n. </i>Redneck in a monkey suit.



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  • <b>Judaism </b><i>n. </i>Belief in a bad tempered sky fairy who dislikes bacon and foreskins.
  • <b>Numerology </b><i>n. </i>A pseudomathematical fallacy used to equate inevitable random numerical patterns with the bat-shit crazy theory of your choice.
  • <b>Perpetual Motion </b><i>n. </i>Futile defiance of the laws of thermodynamics.
  • <b>Clairvoyance </b><i>n. </i>Unfeasibly good eyesight.
  • <b>Palmistry </b><i>n. </i>A method of providing comfort and solace to the lazy minded by staring at their palms while spinning a few yarns.
  • <b>New World Order (Illuminati),</b><i>n.</i>A short-lived 18th century Bavarian secret society invoked by those who fantasise about a single world government lead by the anti-Christ.
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  • <b> Hollow Earth </b> <i> n. </i>The whimsical notion of the earth consisting of four concentric spheres that house a subterranean advanced civilization known as the Agartha who occasionally pop out of a hole in the North Pole in their UFO's for a quick shufti around.
  • <b>Chupacabra </b> <i> n. </i>A coyote with a bad case of mange.
  • <b>Orbs </b> <i> n. </i>Unexplained deep mystery produced by a fuckwit in a dusty room with a digital camera.
  • ><b>Ley Lines </b> <i> n. </i>Stupidity contours.
  • <b>Chakra </b> <i>n. </i>Make believe energy wheels that reside in the astral body and give rise to pretty coloured auras, a bit like a knackered Catherine Wheel.
  • <b> Akashic Record </b> <i>n. </i>A supposed fatass spiritual database.
  • <b>Past Life Regression Therapy </b> <i>n. </i>Planting false memories into people's brains for a bit of a laugh.
  • <b>Spiritualism </b> <i>n. </i>Dishonest conjuring.
  • <b> Bible Code </b> <i> n. </i>The art of drawing the target on the side of the barn after you have shot your load. Exploited for financial gain by piss poor novelists.
  • <b>Exorcism </b> <i> n. </i>Highly inefficacious mental therapy administered by a whack-job in a dog collar.
  • <b>Glossolalia </b><i>n. </i>Speaking in tongues. <i>"Mr. Darcy, when you promised me the pleasure of experiencing your gift of tongues, I didn't expect this gibbering Godshite." </i> (from <i>"Pride and Prejudice"</i> by Jane Austen).
  • <b>Miracle </b> <i> n. </i>Lazy reasoning.
  • <b>Christianity </b><i>n. </i>A set of dogmas inflicted on billions on account of the fact that some fool believed the outlandish excuse of a cunning 13 year old Jewish girl who had inadvertently got knocked up by an older man.
  • <b>Hinduism </b><i>n. </i>A ramshackle collection of spiritual beliefs originating in India and centered around the notion that all things in the Universe are connected to a single existing doofer called Brahman.
  • <b>Anti Vaccination </b> <i>n. </i>Effective method for reintroducing preventable diseases.
  • <b>Telepathy </b><i>n. </i> Reading minds. <i>"Is your card the one with the waving lines on? No? Shit. Is it the star then? No? Bugger, this doesn't seem to work" </i> (from <i>"Bollockology"</i> by Prof. Dickie Cleverman).
  • <b>Geomancy </b><i>n. </i>Tossing a handful of dirt on the floor and interpreting the pattern using a whimsical set of maxims.
  • <b>Moon Landing Denial </b><i>n. </i>A conspiracy theory requiring the silencing of more than 400,000 people who worked on the Apollo missions and a plot far more complex and costly than actually going to the moon.
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  • <b>Raëlian </b> <i> n. </i>Followers of Raël the French motorsport journalist and prophet of the third millennium who had a very nice chat with some radiant aliens called the Elohim.
  • <b>Mothman </b> <i> n. Tyto alba</i>, the common barn owl.
  • <b> Crystal Power </b> <i> n. </i>Effective method for selling rocks to cretins.
  • <b>Vitalism </b> <i>n. </i>An unimaginative and incorrect hypothesis now abandoned by all sane scientists that assumed all living organisms possess a non-physical vital energy or soul that grants the property of life.
  • <b>Chi </b> <i>n. </i>The natural subtle bullshit of the universe that permeates all things despite having a very poor sense of balance.
  • <b>Orgon Energy </b> <i>n. </i>An orgasmic luminiferous cosmic energy that can be collected from the atmosphere and distributed through the body with an orgone accumulator to cure all diseases, apparently.
  • <b>Levitation </b> <i>n. </i>A dunderhead sitting cross legged and bouncing around on his arse for the amusement of the more rationally minded.
  • <b>Channeling </b> <i>v. </i>The act of channeling the words of the deceased through an amusing confidence trickster doing on a silly accent.
  • <b>Magick </b><i>n. </i>The art of performing cheap parlour tricks the hard way by temporarily suspending the laws of nature for your own convenience.
  • <b>Séances </b> <i> n. </i> Holding hands in the dark whilst a fop knocks things with a stick.
  • <b>Ouija </b> <i> n. </i> Childrens board game involving pushing a glass around in order to scare your credulous friends shitless.
  • <b>Witchcraft </b><i>n. </i>Large chain store where Witches can purchase suitable paraphernalia to pursue their hobby <i>"I'm just nipping out to Witchcraft to pick up a new cauldron and a bag o' newts eyes, dost thou want owt while I'm there?" </i> (from <i>Macbeth </i>by William Shakespeare).
  • <b>Islam </b><i>n. </i>The third attempt at an all conquering Abrahamc religion, this time with the rules tightened up a bit.
  • <b>Sikhism </b><i>n. </i>A nice idea about the God of different religions actually being the same bloke. Dreamt up by Guru Nanak 500 years ago when he got pissed off with the silly rituals of Hindus and Muslims, (presumably he got a bit peckish during the month of Ramadama-dingdong).
  • <b>Zoroastrianism </b><i> n. </i>Belief that the universe was created by a Japanese car manufacturing giant. I think. Look it up for yourselves, I've been writing this shit all night.
  • <b>Telekinesis </b><i>n. </i>The art of moving something without anyone seeing how you did it. <i>"Stop blowing the pages you cheating fucker"</i> (from The Amazing Horni exposing Jimmy Lowdick on the Frank Carson show).
  • <b>Papyromancy </b><i>n. </i>The numbnuts belief that the 9/11 terrorist attacks could be predicted by reading the folds in a $20 bill.
  • <b>HIV Aids Denial </b><i>n. </i>The dismissal of incontrovertible scientific evidence and the willingness to put millions of lives at risk in order to shift more of your own brand of vitamin pills.
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  • <b>Pyramidiocy </b> <i> n. </i>An impressive feat of credulity culminating in the belief that the great pyramids of Egypt were power stations constructed by Atlanteans using their special levitation powers. Attempts to use the mystical powers and cosmic energy of pyramids to sharpen the Occam's Razor skills of the faithful have so far been futile.
  • <b>Fairy </b> <i> 1.n. </i>Winged shortarse with a tooth fetish who lives at the bottom of the garden. <i>2. n. </i>A somewhat effeminate gentleman. <i>3. n. </i>A ladygarden.
  • <b>Vampire </b> <i> n. </i>Pastey chap with a garlic allergy who enjoys a nice lie-in of a morning.
  • <b> Astral Projection </b> <i> 1. n.</i> An out-of-body jolly for your astral body while your other 6 bodies sleep off the narcotics. <i>2. n. </i> Sales forecast for Van Morrison's second solo album.
  • <b> Indigo Child </b> <i> 1. n.</i> The difficult offspring of deluded and pretentious mothers with hippy tendencies <i>2. n. </i> Messy toddler playing with blue and purple paint.
  • <b>Karma </b> <i>1. n. </i> Cosmic comeuppance. <i>2. n. </i>Boy George's pet chameleon.
  • <b>Ghosts </b> <i>n. </i>Apparitions caused by the limitations of human perception, or a bloke with a white sheet over his head.
  • <b>Poltergeist </b> <i> n. </i> The ghost of Jeremy Beadle.
  • <b>Automatic Writing </b><i> v. </i>Scribbling any old shite and looking for messages from the spirits.
  • <b>Voodoo </b><i>n. </i>A concoction of West African and Arawakian Religions with a dash of Roman Catholicism resulting in a whole bunch of deities headed up by a nonchalant Supreme Being called Bondye who couldn't give a shit.
  • <b>Occult </b><i>n. </i>An attempt to acquire knowledge of the hidden via the medium of bullshit.
  • <b>Wicca </b><i>n. </i>A bunch of ex hippy wasters with nothing better to do than prance about a field worshiping mother earth and banging on about solstices and equinoxes. Yawn.
  • <b>Neopaganism </b><i>n. </i>An umbrella term incorporating modern comedy religions with the good old fashioned Pagan bollocks.
  • <b>Taoism </b><i>n. </i>A nice peaceful set of beliefs that include the notion that man is the microcosm for the universe and that the body is tied directly to the 5 Chinese elements (Star Anise, Cloves, Cinnamon, Sichuan pepper and fennel seeds, according to a quick Google search).
  • <b>Jainism </b><i>n.</i> "Careful now, mind that ant!"
  • <b>Buddhism </b><i>n. </i>A set of reasonably sensible philosophies undermined by a ridiculous belief in reincarnation.
  • <b>Scrying </b><i>n. </i>A technique for viewing things at a distance often via a crystal ball, although it has become less popular following the advent of Skype TM.
  • <b>Holocaust Denial </b><i>n. </i>A Nazi sympathiser with his fingers in his ears going "la la la la la, I can't hear you. "
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  • <b>Pleiadians </b> <i> n. </i> A bunch of highly evolved and friendly Aryan aliens from the constellation of Taurus who hang around the naive kindly offering to awaken their higher spiritual destiny.
  • <b>Bunyip </b> <i> n. </i>Legendary creature that loiters around the local billabong putting the shits up the Aborigines.
  • <b>Zombies </b> <i> n. </i>Reanimated dead bodies created by voodoo sorcerers (had a big hit in 1964 with <i>"She's Not There").</i>
  • <b>Atlantis </b><i> n. </i>The ancient and rather damp city where Patrick Duffy grew up.
  • <b>Bermuda Triangle </b> <i>1. n. </i>A triangular area of the Atlantic Ocean where supernatural rather than natural or man-made explanations must be invoked first whenever a ship or aircraft has an accident. <i>2. n. </i>Aural torture administered by big nosed singer in a flouncy white blouse.
  • <b>Out-of-Body Experience </b> <i> n. </i>Going for a fun day out in your mind and leaving your body at home.
  • <b> Near Death Experiences </b> <i>n. </i>Fascinating neurobiological effects triggered by certain conditions or tedious drivel to endorse the supernatural preference of the believers choice.
  • <b>Aura </b> <i>n. </i>A set of contiguous coloured outlines around an object only visible to those suffering from migraine, epilepsy, brain disorders or newage stupidity. Not to be confused with the glow around small children on a cold morning after they've been force fed <i>Ready Brek</i>.
  • <b>Ganzfeld Experiment </b><i> n. </i>A dubious attempt to prove telepathy by placing halved ping-pong balls over the receiver's eyes and shining a red light at them whilst playing them pink noise through headphones and making them sit in the comfy chair.
  • <b>Remote Viewing </b><i>n. </i>A botched attempt to make telepathy or clairvoyance sound a tad more feasible.
  • <b>Xenoglossy </b><i>n. </i>A persons claimed ability to speak an unfamiliar language that perhaps they did learn a bit really if you look a little harder.
  • <b>Pareidolia </b><i>n. </i>The innate human tendency to recognize a face on Mars, The Virgin Mary on a slice of toast or Jesus up a dogs arsehole.
  • <b>Bahá'í Faith </b><i>n. </i>A tarted up form of monotheism building on the blatherings of Jesus and Mo and plucked from the arse of Bahá'u'lláh in the nineteenth-century.
  • <b>Rastafarianism </b><i> n. </i>A reworking of Christianity pointing out that instead of worshipping an invisible bloke on a cloud you should be worshipping the former Emperor of Ethiopia. Der.
  • <b>Cao Dai </b><i>n. </i>More monotheistic claptrap, this one has God as a badass left eye, a bit like Sauron.
  • <b>Scientology </b><i>n. </i>The unfortunate confusion of a barmy Sci-fi novelists' self help book as a religious text.
  • <b>Nostradamus </b><i>n. </i>Bothersome 16th century version of Mystic Meg.
  • <b>Chemtrails </b><i>n. </i>The confusion of condensation trails formed behind jet areoplanes and sinister government plot to poison us all.



  • <b>Homeopathy </b><i> n. </i>Water.
  • <b>Chiropractic </b><i>n. </i>Aggressive spinal manipulation to treat a range of ailments by clearing subluxations and allowing the correct flow of innate energy. Frequently administered by Spine Wizards governed by an unsuccessfully litigious association unable to legally refute the accusation that they happily promote bogus treatments without a jot of evidence.
  • <b>Acupuncture </b><i>n. </i>Stabbing someone with needles so they feel less pain. Go figure.
  • <b>Reflexology </b><i>n. </i>Massaging the pancreas to cure bunions, or is it the other way around?
  • <b>Colonic Irrigation </b><i>n. </i>The old hosepipe up the jacksie trick.
  • <b>Cranial Osteopathy </b><i>n. </i>Pointless and un-evidenced manipulation of the skull bones after tuning into the patients alleged craniosacral rhythm.
  • <b>Feng Shui </b><i>n. </i>A seemingly nice little idea about living in harmony with nature and rearranging your furniture underpinned by the old energy balancing nonsense again.
  • <b>Reiki </b><i>n. </i>Mystical hand waving with the occasional grope.
  • <b>Prayer </b> <i>n. </i> Wishful thinking.
  • <b>Shiatsu </b><i>n. </i>Traditional Japanese therapy consisting of being massaged by a small yappy dog.
  • <b>Naturopathy </b> <i>n. </i>Leave it, it'll sort itself out.
  • <b>Rolfing </b><i>n. </i>A cheeky massage from a three-legged Australian chap with a wobble board and cronic asthma.
  • <b>Trepanation </b><i>n. </i>An alternative therapy that you need like you need a hole in the head.
  • <b>Traditional Chinese Medicine </b><i>n. </i>A Collection of therapies with little or no demonstrable valuable other than the effective culling of endangered species.
  • <b>Gem Therapy </b><i>n. </i>The placing of gems and crystals on the body corresponding to the chakras in order to construct an "Energy Grid" which will surround the client with a mystical healing energy. <br><br>I shit you not.
  • <b>Ayurvedic </b><i>n. </i>A collection of ancient Indian therapies including diets, meditation, yoga, massage and herbal remedies with a few heavy metals thrown in for good measure all conveniently packaged for the growing Western assclown market.
  • <b>Detox </b><i> n. </i>Goji berries my arse. Lamb vindaloo, onion bhaji, pilau rice a keema nan and two large bottles of Cobra.
  • <b>Ear Candling </b><i>n. </i>A potentially dangerous and completely ineffective way of cleaning the ears and mind by letting some numbnuts stick a burning candle in your lughole.
  • <b>Applied Kinesiology </b><i>n. </i>An unhinged Spine Wizard pulling down on a patients arm to test how much quackery he can safely prescribe before the patient becomes suspicious
  • <b>Alphabiotics </b><i>n. </i>A neck massage to realign the body's innate life energy administered in an Alphabiotic Church by a Priest with 4 days training declaring him a <i>"Doctor of Divinity".</i>
  • <b>Consegrity </b><i>n. </i>A deadly and defected bridge to wellness combining faith healing and massage to treat all aspect of mind, body and spirit.
  • <b>Bioharmonics </b><i>n. </i>A therapy to harmonize non-detectable bioenergies using expensive harmonizers and polarizers that pretend to use proper science.
  • <b>Angel Therapy </b><i>n. </i>A newage therapy whereby the therapists puts a moronasaurus in contact with their local friendly angel.
  • <b>Faith Healing </b><i>n. </i>A method of religious healing using either fraud, delusion or pushing people over.
  • <b>Vitamin Megadoses </b> <i>(orthomolecular medicine) n. </i>Attempting to treat or prevent a disease by prescribing large doses of vitamins that far exceed the recommended dietary allowance.
  • <b>Magnet Therapy </b><i>n. <i>An alternative fad championed by a dopey Prince who thinks magnets have special healing powers.
  • <b>Feldenkrais Method </b><i>n. </i>Working on the principle of the unity of body and mind the unconvincing 2 step process aims to expand and refine the use of the self through awareness.
  • <b>Cupping </b><i>n. </i>A highly effective therapy for producing unsightly bruises with no other measurable effects.



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