The Turin Bicycle and other religious mockery is a collection of short posts pointing and laughing at the absurdity of religious dogma.
The Bicycle of Turin or Turin Bicycle (Italian: Bicicletta di Torino, Pedale Sacro) is a two wheeled vehicle propelled by foot pedals bearing the initials “J. H. C.”. It is kept in the royal chapel of the Cathedral of Saint John the Baptist in Turin, northern Italy.
The origins of the bicycle are the subject of intense debate among scientists, theologians, historians and researchers. Some contend that the vehicle is the actual bicycle used by Christ, as referred to in numerous literary references and still in common parlance today as an exclamation of surprise.
Many others contend that the artifact was created in the 1970’s at a factory in Worksop, as indicated by radiocarbon analysis performed in 1988 which placed the artifact between Tuesday and Thursday of the first week in September 1974. The Catholic Church has neither formally endorsed nor rejected the bicycle.
However, recent research and chemical tests have revealed that the actual pedal used for the 1988 radiocarbon dating was probably a replacement pedal refitted to the vehicle in the 1970’s by a kindly nun. Theologians have also concluded that the biblical accounts of Christ reveal much travelling and would suggest that the distance covered by Christ as relayed in the gospels are consistent with the need to replace the pedals, making the authenticity of the bicycle murkier than ever.
The infamous image of the original discovery of the Bicycle of Turin (visible in the photograph directly below the remains of the actual cross Christ was crucified on), has nonetheless been criticised by many archaeologists as unreliable having been originally published by a satirical blogger on his lunch break shortly after performing a Google image search.
The Bitter Truth Behind the Breakup of the Fab 3
A statement today from Heavens press office confirmed rumours that the Holy Trinity are to split up. Many religious pundits have cited conflicts that arose from differences between each divinities artistic vision of their faith.
Although God himself is often credited as the initial creativity of the trio, his early work was considered by many to be overly harsh and much darker than their later material. God’s early handiwork certainly earned him a select following of loyal fans, but he failed to gain mainstream worldwide success until he teamed up with his son and the Holy Ghost to form Christianity.
The trio were a hit and Chistianmania swept the world by storm during the dark ages following the groups highly successful middle eastern tour.
Many fans where looking forward to the much anticipated second tour where it was hoped that Jesus would perform some of his greatest hits including the frugal distribution of mini fish butties, which was always a big crowd pleaser at live gigs. However the trio haven’t been on the road together for nearly 2,000 years preferring instead to stay in heaven and concentrate on their spiritual output which was becoming increasingly more complex and harder to recreate live in a rational environment.
It was during this period that the urban legend arose that “Jesus is dead”. Many fans claimed that clues of Jesus’ death could be seen in the group’s iconic images, within the lyrics of their hymns and even within a hidden message in Revelations 9. Other clues such as Jesus’ barefoot appearance on the cross was seen as further evidence to support the theory that Jesus is dead. However the group’s earthly representatives vehemently denied such rumours stating that Jesus is still very much with us.
It was also at this time that the Holy Spirit was spending more and more time in India where the other deities believed he was being seduced by eastern religions and a general belief in new age spirituality. This was seen by many hard-core Christian fans as a departure from the group’s origins and have cited this as one of the roots of the trios artistic differences..
God was also spending more and more time with the Holy Roman Catholic Church who were developing a more intense interest in a young virgin called Mary. From this point on God and Mary were rarely apart including when God was working with the rest of the group to answer Catholic prayers. This violated a previous tacit agreement between the members not to let wives or girlfriends into prayer sessions..
The split of the holy trinity certainly marks the end of an era but we shouldn’t rule out the possibility of solo projects or even collaborations with other gods to fit in with the current popularity in religious fusion. Any solo projects may well fail to live up to popularity of the trio in their heyday as present day philosophies have moved on from the simplistic ideologies of the groups roots, but let’s not forget the rich cultural legacy that the Trinity leave behind.
Multi-Faith Transubstantiated SnacksThose who have frequented church services in the past will be aware that Christian worship often includes a short brunch, lovingly referred to as the Eucharist. This jolly little ceremony is of course based on the last supper and bread and wine are drank and eaten in remembrance of the Christians beardy best friend.
The wine represents the blood of Christ and the bread (or more commonly, wafer) the body of Christ. However in a spectacular attempt to stretch credulity to its absolute limit, good old Roman Catholic theology takes this sacred snack one step further. Once the presiding cleric has uttered the magic spell: “This is my body, broken for you etc etc”, the wafer ceases to be a mere wheat based nibble and quite literally becomes a piece of the actual body of Christ. Not a symbolic representation. A genuine actual real sliver of raw flesh faithfully butchered from the scrawny body of a rather mouthy Nazarene joiner. I shit you not.
I’ve comfort snacked on our Lord and and it turns out that Jesus actually has a rather vapid flavour and would probably benefit from a condiment or two. However, I am reliably informed that it is bad form to season our Lord and Saviour before you pop him into your mouth. But despite his rather insipid taste he’s the Sunday morning breakfast of choice for over a billion devoted Catholics.
Perhaps some of the other religions could take heed of this popular gastronomic ritual and provide their own followers with a similar morsel of holy tuck, flavoured with the deity of their choice.
Large congregation packs of communion wafers are indeed already freely available to purchase from your favourite online retailer. Why not simply provide the wafers or indeed any wheat, potato or maize based deep fried snack pre-blessed and transformed into the fleshy tissue of your preferred divinity?
In much the same way that traditional potato chip manufactures add various flavours to their snacks, an assortment of priests, mullahs, monks and poojaries installed at the end of the factory production lines could magically transubstantiate the savoury nibbles into the required god by muttering a quick incantation as they pass by.
In a consumer driven, connivence seeking, modern multi faith society like ours, I think a range of pre-blessed god snacks, suitable for all faiths could be a real winner. Here’s some suggested lines that I think would go down a treat:
